Holy shit. Camptathalon 2022 is less than a month away. Maybe I should finally transcribe the 2021 journal? I mean, I’ve already posted about my January 2022 snow camping. Plus spring break in Hawaii. Maybe I should stop throwing the log in with the camping gear at the end of the summer. Meh.
If this is your first visit, Camptathalon is an annual guys’ trip/competition. We jot down much of what is said and done for posterity’s sake. You know, got to keep the proper historical perspective.
All statements are accurate, if deliberately out of context.
12:50 PM text exchange: Getting one growler of brown ale, one of pale. A coffee porter sounds interesting.”
-“Wait, there’s beer?”
– “Of course not. No way am I already at a brewery that’s an hour and a half from work.”
2:08 Arrive at Silvertip Campsite. Just the Tip # 17. Matt Gaetz’s favorite campsite.
2:34 Camp host gives the whatfor about quiet hours. “I know what five guys are like.” Dude, we’re in our forties, not our twenties.
2:35 “Don’t leave your beers out, or the bears will drink them.”
“The last thing we want is some drunk bears.”
“That’s not it. They like the sugar.”
3:20 First beer. Other than at brewery
4:25 Sparky arrives
4:30 Wow. These campsites are really close to each other. Should we go check the first come, first serve campsite?
5:05 Much better
5:43 First site packed up, So long, Matt Gaetz. So long, Buzzkill camp host.
6:40 Campsite 2.0 finished
10:15 Night, night
10:17I hope the bear doesn’t play my sudoku
6:23 There’s pee coming off my pee
6:43 I’d fail the COVID screener. I have a sore throat, but it’s totally explainable.
6:55 We’ve got a coffee three-way. Pour over, French press, and percolator
7:16 Wow, I can say Alexa out loud.
7:30 Climb the Big Fucking Rock, because why not?
7:43 Way down isn’t as fun.
7:47 Oatmeal for breakfast. We are old.
9:22 I hope the last guy to use that toilet didn’t have crabs, because my fat ass was touching every possible surface.
9:34 Neighbors packing up & leaving. The toddler who’s been shouting “I don’t want to go camping” for the past 16 hours won the argument.
10:04 New people move in next door. More kids. Bonus!
10:19 From the campsite next door: “Push it through more!” Good thing I’m not drinking yet.
10:42 Rick arrives. We have a quorum.
10:46 “I’ve added a twist to the loser libation this year.”
11:09 First beer of the day
11:14 First whiskey of the day
11:22 Sparky returns. He had trouble getting wood.
11:36 Trying to remember the last time we had Pringles.
11:45 Chris H arrives.
12:05 “If everyone grabs a corner of the EZ Up, it’ll go faster.”
“If we keep sitting here drinking beer, it’ll still get done.”
12:15″Will the twist happen at the same time as the Loser Libation?” (Thinks) “No. Not necessarily.”
12:41 That beer ain’t gonna drink itself, bitch.
12:50 “Trust me, I know what a climax is.”
“Really? Did he enjoy it, too?”
“Why the hell should I care?”
1:09 “Damn, the family next door is back. I guess I’ll put my cock away.”
“It’s not like they could see it.”
1:35 Alright, fucking bitch.
1:37 “1:37 is a good time for whiskey.”
1:50 “Do it! Take my bishop, bitch!”
1:54 “I puked in a cup at a Tesla concert.”
1:59 There’s a joke in there somewhere, but I haven’t figured it out yet.
2:01 Like a good condom, you can reuse it.
2:12 Love box.
2:26 Chess game over. “Thank you for making me feel good.”
“Did you give him a reach-around, too?”
2:32 No, seriously. Take it all off.
3:05 Chris D arrives.
3:16 And it doesn’t even mention pedophilia.
3:17 Cheese Balls arrive
3:18 More Tesla stories: Trying to get into a video shoot at a bowling alley.
3:27 Chris D packed the wrong chair: Unicorns & rainbows.
3:30 Official Opening Toast
3:33 Flag is up
3:36 Loser Libation wrinkle revealed: Two libations. Fourth place chooses which one he drinks, assigns other to 5th place.
3:45 “It’ll just come out same color, different smell.”
3:54 Any time you put a cock in front of me, I’m going to take it.
4:43 You know parliamentary procedure makes me hard.
4:48 Cheese balls open.
4:50 I hate to bring it up, but my grandma loved cheese balls. Sorry, MaMaw.
5:06 So Chris, how is Mein Kampf going?
5:27 We could do some damage with a rifle.
5:35 Chili for dinner. Side of mellow corn whiskey.
6:11 Camptathalon Event #1: Poker.
6:18 “Not sure how I’ll do. I had groin surgery.”
“Most of Camptathalon is based on groin strength.”
6:30 Dave Winfield is disappointed
6:33 It’s not my fault you ran into my full house last year.
6:47 $50 bet by the pre-ejaculate
7:04 Are you pouring water in your vagina?
7:13 First all in. Loser Libation(s) revealed: Goldschlager & Jagaermeister
7:14 Chris D finishes DFL
7:19 Pocket queens nullified by a misdeal
7:29 Who brings drums camping?
7:43 Tony all in on Anna Kournikova: A/K looks really good but rarely wins.
7:44 Tony selects Goldschlager, assigns Jagaermeister to Chris
7:58 Standings after one event: Chris H. 5, Sparky 4, Rick 3, Tony 2, Chris D 0
8:35 When did “Filling the Bucket” start referring to licking someone’s ass?
8:40 Rumors of Rick spewing have been greatly exaggerated
8:42 A month before he was murdered, JFK was in Marilyn Monroe
8:55 Fast Food Draft:
|Chris D||Tony||Rick||Sparky||Chris H|
|1st Rd.||Wingstop |
|Western Bacon Cheeseburger||Big Mac||Double Double||McDonald’s |
|2nd. Rd.||Surfin’ Bird |
(Beach Hut Deli)
|Ultimate Cheeseburger||Chick-Fil-a Sandwich||Sourdough Jack||Animal Style Cheeseburger|
|3rd Rd.||Chicken Katsu (L&L Hawaiian BBQ)||Mexican Pizza||Wendy’s |
|Beefy 5-Layer Burrito||Whopper|
|4th Rd.||Burger King |
|Quarter Pounder |
|Egg McMuffin||Sausage McMuffin w/ Egg||Arby’s |
|5th Rd.||Panda Express Kung Pao Chicken||Popeye’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich||Crunch Wrap Supreme||Jimboy’s Beef Taco||Baconator|
9:05 During Draft: Tony’s dick. “That ain’t fast. Baby, that takes all night.
9:06 During Draft: I wonder where Arby’s will go?
9:52 Rick & Chris D down for the count
9:54 They rally.
10:00 Rick’s down for good this time.
10;15 There’s a hole in your pants. Is that where the water goes?
10:38 Was “Lovin’ Every Minute of It” by Loverboy?
10:53 Tony calling it a night.
11:10 Okay, for real. Tony’s going to sleep.
6:59 Rick falls back asleep at the fire.
8:00 Still only two of us awake. What the fuck is this, vacation?
8:44 Where did all the Maker’s Mark go?
9:06 Last person finally wakes up.
9:07 “A bear came into my tent last night and shit in my mouth.”
9:25 “Ooo, that one smells like rotten chili.”
“My work here is done.”
9:44 First beer of Saturday
9:49 Butter removed from ice
10:10 First whiskey shot of Saturday
10:46 Camptathalon Event #2: Home Run Derby
11:07 Deadball era: First round ends with three-way tie for first with 2 HR each.
11:17 Round two: 3 HR, 3 HR, 1 HR, 0 HR. Still no need for a jack-off
11:24 Chris D has only needed one home run in each round
11:26 Chris vs. Chris in the final
11:31 Chris H get zero, Chris D only needs 1 again.
11:32 With grand total of four, Chris D wins Homerun Derby
*After Two Events: Chris H 9, Sparky 7, Chris D 5, Tony 4, Rick 3*
12:00 Camptathalon Event #3: Cornhole
12:27 Chris D comes back from 20-7 deficit to win 21-20
1:14 Chris H comes back from 20-10 deficit to win 21-20
1:32 Cornhole Results: Chris D, Sparky, Chris H, Tony, Rick
*After Three Events: Chris H 12, Sparky 11, Chris D 10, Tony 6, Rick 3*
2:22 Is Rick down for the count?
2:28 Zombie Rick emerges
2:59 Two first-roll Farkles in a row
3:12 “Do you want more sausage?”
“That’s why his back hurts in the first place.”
3:13 Rick’s back down again
3:41 Camptathalon Event #4: Jon Goudreau Memorial Butter Toss
3:49 Butter Toss Results: Sparky, Chris D, Chris H, Tony, Rick
*After Four Events: Sparky 16, Chris H 15, Chris D 14, Tony 8, Rick 3*
3:55 Slingshot a cheeseball into somebody’s mouth
3:57 Last time I checked, the number of balls was not an issue
4:15 The paper towels we wiped the butter off our hands with catch fire in the pit, giving the campground a pleasant movie-theater smell
4:18 Meat stick?
4:21 Radio announcer: “All four batters this inning have really smoked their balls.”
4:34 Are you ready for adventure? I need balls
4:40 Camptathalon Event #5: Adventure Bocce
5:15 Sparky can’t find one of his balls
5:38 Adventure Bocce Results: Chris D, Rick, Sparky, Tony, Chris H
*After Five Events: Sparky 19, Chris D 19, Chris H 15, Tony 10, Rick 7*
7:05 Rick has a beer
7:10 Camptathalon Event #6: Slingshot
7:17 Everybody goose-egged the first round. Great fucking idea.
7:46 Slingshot Results: Chris D, Chris H, Tony, Sparky, Rick
*After six events: Chris D 24, Sparky 21, Chris H 19, Tony 13, Rick 7*
8:01 Sparky boycotts Event 7, Cards Against Humanity, giving Chris D an anticlimactic Camptathalon Championship
8:37 First reading of the Rimmer book
10:09 When Pete Townshend masturbates, does he do it windmill style?