man camping

Camptathalon 2024

· May 17, 2025 · Musings · , , , , , , , , · No Comments

Holy crap. Camptathalon 2025 is less than a month away and I haven’t even posted 2024 yet? What the hell? I wrote the damn thing in July. It then took me ten months to upload a few pictures from my phone.

Anyway…

Father’s Day weekend, 2024, six total campers, only five competitors, descended upon Wolf Creek Campground on Union Valley Reservoir for the thirteenth annual Camptathalon. John was a second-time attendee, making his first appearance since 2017, although he couldn’t stay for the  competition on Saturday. Meanwhile, Thomas was a noob who somehow survived the experience.

The first campsite we reserved was on the other side of the lake, but the Forest Service canceled those reservations on account of some eagle babies hatching in the campsite. It’s not Camptathalon unless we’re scrambling to find an ancillary site at the last minute. Usually it’s a fire or snow or a Coronavirus, but I guess the propagation of our national mascot is worth camping a mile the other direction. Unless they were regular, full-haired eagles. Fuck those guys. Us balding types need to stick together.

When we first got the notification that we might have to move spots because of some Eagles, our text thread erupted with phrases like if Camptahtalon was canceled, it would be a “Heartache Tonight” when the Forest Service told us “You Belong to the City.” Fortunately, we made back-up reservations so we could “Take It Easy” with the “New Kid in Town.”

But since those texts occurred before Camptathalon, they didn’t make it in the official Camptathalon journal. So you don’t get to read them. What you get is:

Thursday
4:41 Chris arrives, making three. Camptathalon begins.
4:57 Next year, pina coladas
4:58 Tony already beat Sparky in Backgammon and chess. Too late to add them as Camptathalon events?
4:59 Dammit, forgot my sleeping bag
5:05 I’m gonna go get wood before I get drunk
5:47 Chores are done. Time to drink.
5:59 I don’t have any flour. It’s stickier than I thought it would be.
6:19 How’d you get a coal hole under your ass?

6:36 Dutch oven pizzas, cause nobody said we were roughing it.
7:42 No fish
8:07 First broken chair of the weekend
8:45 Switched off of baseball game, found angry preacher radio.
9:24 Bear lockers are complicated. There’s not much difference between the smartest bear and the dumbest human.
11:13 Same damn problem as last year. It wouldn’t stay up.

Friday
5:05 Some asshole’s car alarm goes off
6:15 Some other asshole starts chainsawing
7:00 Still motherfucking chainsawing
7:18 Frank Sinatra Friday
7:42 Sorry, when they typed in dirty bomb, I just assumed they were looking up porn.
7:48 Text to Rick: “Bring Syrup. Don’t ask why.”
9:48 “Going to rain this morning.”
    “You’re about four hours too late.”
9:58 Camphost: “Hey, I’ve got to ask you to leave. I won’t, but you can’t use your chainsaw in camp.”
9:59 Someone should tell him PG&E’s been chainsawing all goddamn morning.
11:06 Sparky pegs to 120 in cribbage, but loses to Chris
11:32 Yeah, the Beaver usually comes out fast
11:47 Can’t tell if the neighbors are Russian or Mormon
1:24 Second car in last half-hour driving the wrong goddamn way. It’s one thing to miss the fine print about chainsawing, but the One Way is pretty well marked.
1:57 Two injuries while constructing the child-safe axe throwing stand. Haven’t even got to the axes yet.
2:21 Who the hell ordered the wind?
2:39 Rick arrives. And then there were four.
3:02 Thank God you’re here. This dude just showed up with a chainsaw.
3:05 “I got a growler at Cool Beerwerks.”
     “I got a growler at Moonraker.”
     “I’m gonna drop a growler pretty soon here.”

3:12 I think that’s a cult moving in next door. All tents in a row, put up in less than ten minutes.
3:21 It’s not too big. It’s a little big
3:25 He’s backing that big ass up
3:26 Is it going to fit?
3:36 In fact, it does fit.
3:45 I am an equal opportunity sausage man
4:35 That reminded me of a terrible joke
4:36 Where’s my whiskey?
4:57 Everything at camping is community property. That part of the Red Menace we’re fine with.
5:22 John arrives. Five down, one to go.
5:31 I just stuck my last one in, and I think I will retire there.
6:21 Thomas arrives. Camptathalon can start with a record six people.
6:54 Chili is served
6:55 How do I turn this thing off?
7:23 “Correct me if I’m wrong.”
    “You’re wrong.”
    “Fuck you.”
7:35 Opening Toast of Old Fashioned
7:36 Oh, I lost my cherry long ago.
7:41 But then it’s just going to hang there.
7:44 Flag is up.

8:24 Trophy out, Rimmer reading
8:29 Blender isn’t working
8:35 While attempting to fix a full blender, don’t unscrew the bottom
8:36 I need to clean up like a fucking bitch.
8:39 Hey, the blender’s working!
9:03 “Here, let me clean up your fucking chips for you.”
    “Lick my ass.”
9:08 The poker game is like a peep show. It keeps showing me something cute and makes me pay to see more.
9:09 Hey, that reminds me of this one time in Tijuana
9:10 I kinda wish I was the rooster
9:14 Nobody calls you the Gangster of Love
9:17 John goes all in. Loser Libation reveal: Wisconsin Lunchbox (but no peanut butter sandwich)
9:25 Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. How familiar are you with Urban Dictionary?
9:28 Taking a Smoke Break (pausing poker to avoid the fire smoke)
9:53 “Just shut up and smoke your cigar!”
     “Okay, Dad.”
9:54 REDACTED
10:05 We talk Chaucer and Moby Dick
10:07 Thomas “wins” Loser Libation
10:10 Isn’t there supposed to be a woman with a vagina?
10:11 REDACTED
10:14 There would only be two people in that circle jerk. Not much of a circle.
10:20 Who here is a Chuck Mangione fan?
10:35 Chris Out
10:39 John Out
10:47 After coloring up chips, they all tip over in the dirt
11:11 Sparky Out
11:15 Camptathalon Standings after One Event: Rick: 5, Tony: 4, Sparky: 3, Chris: 2, Thomas: 0 (John withdraws)

SATURDAY
12:01 The cult next door starts singing Happy Birthday
12:44 John gives Thomas pointers on proper Butter Toss technique
2:01 First vomit of the weekend
3:40 Oh, good. Another car alarm
4:25 Visited by a bear because Rick left his nuts out

6:00 The chainsawers showed up late today
6:52 “Did the bear eat my nuts?”
7:11 He left me half a cashew
7:13 “Did we split the pot?”
     “Yeah, cause I was beating your ass.”
     “You were also winning at poker.”
7:25 I wasn’t wearing my glasses. It might not have been a bear at all. It might’ve just been a cult member
7:50 Where’s Thomas? If he dies, I will stop inviting new people.
8:03 Signs/sounds of life from Thomas’s tent 
8:58 First Saturday beer opened
9:46 The butter has been removed from the cooler
10:03 Sparky’s attempt at alphabetization: Chris, Tony, Thomas, Rick
10:06 I have hydration tablets if you want to put them in your water or beer.
10:22 Prep for HR Derby with lake as backstop

10:28 Robbed by the Tiny Green Monster
10:45 First Round: Rick 4, Thomas 9, Chris 3, Sparky 5, Tony 2
10:58 Round Two: Rick 0, Chris 1, Sparky 3, Thomas 4
11:05 I need more balls
11:10 Round Three: Chris 7, Thomas 4, Sparky 4 – First Jack-Off of 2024
11:14 Worst. Jack-Off. Ever. (Thomas 2, Sparky 1)
11:23 Final Round: Chris 7, Thomas 3
11:24 Standings after Two Events: Chris 7, Rick 7, Sparky 6, Thomas 4, Tony 4
11:55 The Godfather of the Wisconsin Lunchbox
12:08 First Round of Cornhole
12:28 You paid good money to watch two cats fucking
1:19 Final Cornhole Standings: Chris, Sparky, Rick, Thomas, Tony
1:20 Standings after Three Events: Chris 12, Sparky 10, Rick 10, Thomas 6, Tony 4
1:45 Sausages and burgers for lunch
2:05 Will this fit in there?
2:44 I’ll break off in a moment and tell you about the grandma flashing us from the 7th floor
3:01 Inaugural Camptathalon Axe-Throwing Event. Objective: Get to 21 Points.

3:10 Do you get bonus points for lodging it in somebody else’s ass?
3:20 Sparky & Tony both finish in second round. Sparky wins the Toss-Off
3:23 Chris takes third place in Round 3
3:26 Thomas 4th, Rick 5th
3:27 Standings after Four Events: Sparky 15, Chris 15, Rick 10, Thomas 8, Tony 8
3:46 Adventure Bocce. But first, cookies.
4:40 Adventure Bocce results: Chris, Rick, Sparky, Tony, Thomas
4:41 Standings going in to final event: Chris 20, Sparky 18, Rick 14, Tony 10, Thomas 8
4:45 Butter Toss target: Boston Celtics logo

Before
After


4:52 Rick wins Jon Goudreau Memorial Butter Toss, followed by Chris, Sparky, Tony, Thomas
4:53 Chris wins his first Camptathalon with 24 points.
4:54 Chris jumps in the lake in celebration

5:21 Draft: Teams we hate. (Snake draft: Pick order goes down in round one, up in round two, etc.)
Thomas: Patriots, Cowboys, 49ers, Phillies, 76ers
Sparky: Red Sox, Alabama, Miami Hurricanes, Seahawks, White Sox
Chris: Chiefs, Broncos, Florida State, Blackhawks, Dolphins
Rick: Celtics, BYU, Philadelphia Eagles, St. Louis Cardinals, New Mexico State
Tony: Yankees, Nebraska, Astros, S.F. Giants, Chelsea

5:33 Draft: Favorite Sports Moments
Sparky: Kordell Stewart Hail Mary, Montana to Taylor in Super Bowl, Nolan Ryan 6th no-hitter, Game 7 of ’02 World Series, Montana returns after injury in ’92
Chris: Marcus Allen Super Bowl revers, Bo Jackson into tunnel, Bo Jackson TD through Bosworth, ’89 Earthquake Series, 1980 Lakers final (Magic’s first year)
Rick: Robert Horry game 4 shot vs Kings, Stefon Diggs winning catch vs Saints, Rockies winning NLCS, ’97 UTEP upsets BYU (take down goalposts), ’92 UTEP beats #1 Kansas
Tony: Spiezio Game 6 HR, Music City Miracle, Boise State Statue of Liberty, Kerry Wood 18 strikeouts 1 hit, Ipswich promotion goal
Thomas: David Tyree Helmet Catch, Cavaliers beating Warriors, Johann Santana no-hitter, Giants over Patriots in ’08, Knicks over Pacers in ’01
Honorable Mentions: Chris coaching high school soccer, Robin Ventura fucking around and finding out, Miracle on Ice, Jadaveon Clowney hit, Angels combo no-hitter after Tyler Skaggs died, Garrison Hearst overtime run vs Jets

6:50 The cult next door breaks out a pinata. It is a Pokemon.
7:30 Meatball subs for dinner

Sunday
6:35 Flag comes down.
7:07 Wheels up

Camptathalon 2023

· January 5, 2024 · Musings · , , , , , · No Comments

The thirteenth iteration of Camptathalon happened the second weekend of June, 2023, at PiPi Campground. Not our first choice, but half the campgrounds in California (including where we had reservations) were still under some variation of snow, flooding, or tottering trees after the eternal California drought ended with a vengeance.

Four (and-a-half) competitors attended. Garrett was on the disabled list but still came up to partake in the few events that don’t require a rotator cuff. Chris D, meanwhile, caught Covid the Tuesday before, so he tapped out, much as I did last year. That makes Covid an event-winner in three of the last four years. In 2020, we still managed to get in a streamlined event in September, but, again, not at our choice of venue and time.

As always, I offer no more context than what is provided in the Log. Trust me, the setups wouldn’t make it nearly as entertaining.

Thursday
10:42 (via Text): “Don’t need, but I would gladly smoke one.”
12:56 Tentcot Instructions: “Spread both legs to fully open positions.”
1:10 Chris (first arrivee) returns to campsite to find it full
1:28 First beer. Not counting the many Chris drank last night.
1:34 Sparky undecided on Loser Libation. Two options. One is “just terrible.”
1:40 Sparky opens first beer.
1:41 Chris doesn’t want to be the outcast. Opens beer.
2:19 Chris is reading “Mastering Mule Deer.” Hoping to start a dating app?
2:59 I don’t think anyone’s ever torn a rotator cuff tossing butter.
3:15 It might rain a little, but nothing like last year. Knocks on firewood.
3:26 In-depth discussion of relative sizes and uses of skewers, chopsticks, cherries, and sausages.
5:27 Have already burned through the first bag of Honey Dijon Kettle Chips.
5:30 “I don’t know. What else are we going to do?”
   “Sit around, drink beer, and listen to the baseball game? No seriously, that’s my plan. To sit around, drink beer, and listen to the baseball game.”
6:45 We bust out the manly battery-powered blender for margaritas

6:47 I’m no mixologist, but that might need more ice.
8:00 Children at the adjacent camp make it difficult to urinate.
9:02 Sun’s down. At least now we can pee.
9:06 “Should I not say fuck with kids around?”
   “No, fuck those guys. They took 36 tries to back their fucking RV up. It’s like the tarmac at LaGuardia, for fuck’s sake.”
9:33 One bottle of tequila down. The last round of margaritas might be a little strong.
9:37 Wait, James Dean and Dean Martin are different people?
9:52 Inaugural canasta ends. We finally light the fire.
11:29 Not sure what the fuck happened next door. Dude drives up, wakes campers, yells about staying two weeks in one spot. Definitely not a government employee working at 11:30 at night. Said he was the manager and they’re banned from all camping sites on highway 88.
11:45 Dude’s gone, but neighbors appear to be packing up.

Friday
6:35 “Banned” neighbors still there.
6:38 Family with kids (other side) already awake, so first piss of the day must be in proper facilities. Goddamn anti-American. A first amendment right. The founding fathers believed in peeing outdoors.
6:53 Sparky takes first drink from “Reigning Camptathalon Champion” mug

7:03 There’s no picture of how to pee, so I was totally lost
7:55 Discussion of least-offensive sports teams. Consensus at this point: Carolina Panthers and Milwaukee Brewers
8:19 Beginning of Frank Sinatra Friday
8:27 My mouth tastes less like ass now.
8:56 Grilled chunks o’ ham and cheddar on English muffins for second breakfast
11:00ish Head over to “closed” campground. We totally could’ve camped on this river.

12:15 No swimming or float tubes? Come on, fun police!
12:40 Chris questioning the life decisions of some cows.
12:42 “Lube. Lots of Lube.”
1:05 Pass “banned” neighbors as they’re leaving campground. We consider warning them they’re heading toward Highway 88.
1:25 Fuck it, we’re taking over their spot. Tag expired last Sunday.
1:33 Open the Pube Mixe
2:42 Bets on when Rick will show up: Sparky – 3:17, Tony – 3:33, Chris – 4:20
3:03 Rick arrives. Sparky wins absolutely nothing.
3:11 Four tentcots, looks like a goddamn commune
3:30 Flag is raised

3:31 Official Opening Toast: Old Fashioned. 
3:59 I don’t think that’s an according-to-Hoyle strawberry shortcake.
4:20 NinersPussies.com
4:28 When he wears a sweater, he has tits.
4:32 I’ve got your Pike’s Peak right here.
4:41 Last. Henry Weinhard’s. Ever. 
5:03 “Does the Pope shit in the woods?”
  “I’d be concerned if he did.”
5:23 I’m just gonna start throwing my wood at you.
5:26 Sparky was a late bloomer. He didn’t become interested in boys until 5th grade.
5:59 That’s tactile engagement. That counts.
6:22 Camptathalon Event #1: Poker
6:46 Chris all in. Loser Libation reveal: Stella Artois Cidre with a shot of Fireball.
6:47 The Loser Libation that didn’t make it: alcoholic energy drink
6:50 There’s no smoked salmon in that fucking river, you retard.
6:56 This cigar is like sucking a dick
7:18 Chris “wins” Loser Libation
7:33 Sparky catches queen on the river. Rick throws cards.
7:48 Tony wins poker on trip-5’s
***Standings after one event: Tony – 5, Sparky – 3, Rick – 2, Chris – 0
9:06 “I’ll do anything fucking once.”
9:30 Friday Night Draft. But first… cigars.

Draft: Worst Sequels:
First Round: Sparky: Smokey & the Bandit II, Chris: Phantom Menace, Rick: Ghostbusters II. Tony – Superman III
Second Round: Tony: Rise of Skywalker, Rick: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Chris: Attack of the Clones, Sparky: Cannonball Run II
Third Round: Sparky: Pitch Perfect 3, Chris: Godfather III, Rick: Caddyshack 2, Tony: Ocean’s Twelve
Fourth Round: Tony: Moonraker, Rick: The World is Not Enough, Chris: Halloween 3, Sparky: Star Trek V
Fifth Round: Sparky: American Wedding, Chris: Free Willy 2, Nightmare on Elm Street 2, Tony: Thor: Dark World

SATURDAY

6:49 What did they call golden showers before 1942?
7:02 “Since it’s cooler than usual today, we might need to take the butter out earlier than usual.”
   “God fucking dammit.”
7:23 We’re getting showers of the non-golden variety
7:50 “Doubt I’ll drink more than 15 beers today.”
    “Not with that attitude, you won’t.”
7:55 Opened the mini baseball figures. Tony gets Freddie Freeman, Giancarlo Stanton, Rick gets Josh Naylor, Austin Riley, Chris gets Spencer Torkelson, Mike Trout vintage, Sparky gets Juan Soto, Justin Verlander.

8:14 Had to move Spencer Torkelson to second base.
8:23 Did I hear there’s a possibility of ham?
8:38 You’ve never opened a beer with your car door jamb? The fuck is wrong with you?
10:10 Camptahtalon Event #2: Cornhole
10:15 Garrett arrives with no tent, no pants. Crocs only.
10:33 “I think that shot’s called a rim job.”
10:40 Usually I wear pants.
11:04 Sparky wins cornhole
***Standings after two events: Sparky 8, Tony 8, Rick 4, Chris 0
11:08 There is no pussy that is that good
11:25 Rain returns
11:50 Motley Crue’s latest hit: Vaping in the non-gender-specific restroom
12:00 It’s supposed to be nice and moist, but it’s like beef jerky in here.
12:12 Alright, let me find my balls.
12:21 Camptathalon Event #3: Home-run derby
12:40 We haven’t had a good jack-off in a while.
12:43 First round: Tony 3, Rick 2, Sparky 1, Chris 0
12:53 Wait, can you explain this jack-off thing?
12:57 Second Round: Tony 4, Sparky 3. Rick 2
1:03 First 100 fans will receive a free jack-off bobblehead
1:20 Sparky wins final round 3 to 2
***Standings after three events: Sparky 13, Tony 11, Rick 6, Chris 0
1:45 You wouldn’t fuck Joan Jett. Joan Jett would fuck you, my friend.
1:50 You could eat an old shoe if you had to.
2:04 “And I can wipe my own ass, but let’s talk about other things that don’t matter.”
2:10 Lockeford Sausages for lunch.
2:14 Ted Danson is a good-looking guy, but I wouldn’t jack-off with him.
2:15 I fucked this up and this is now really uncomfortable.
2:29 You just want to be able to yell “Who’s the Boss?” when you’re banging her.
2:53 Camptathalon Event #4: Butter Toss. Target: Meghan Markle

2:57 Sparky and Tony engage in a toss-off for last place
3:01 That thunder sounds ominous
3:04 Garrett “wins” Butter Toss, but is on the ineligible list. Chris gets 5 points, Rick 3, Sparky 2, Tony 0

***Standings after four events: Sparky 15, Tony 11, Rick 9, Chris 5
3:18 Should we wait till after bocce to light that fire? Phhhttt. Blows out fire.
3:20 Camptathalon Event #5: Adventure Bocce. If Tony finishes first, Sparky last, he will win Camptathalon. All other outcomes, Sparky wins. 

3:36 “That would’ve been nice for you to just kiss me over there.”
3:44 Adventure Bocce paused on account of inclement weather. Current scores: Chris & Tony have 6 each, Rick and Sparky have 3.
4:00 Lightning less than a five-count from thunder.
4:13 Been an awful lot of thunder since we threw butter at the departed queen’s blessed granddaughter-in-law
4:41 Exhibition Event: Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza
4:43 No, I wasn’t paying attention to the instructions
4:47 What sound does a goat do? Meeeh.
4:54 That’s just because he’s usually rubbing his nipples on a regular basis.
4:48 I notice you’ve got a wet spot over there.
5:10 You need to jerk off more.
5:14 Much like lube.
5:30 Pulled pork dinner
6:53 Once talk turns to whorehouses, it’s tough to pull it back.
7:03 “Did you shit yourself?”
   “Wait, I’m getting to that story.”
7:11 I had to wear my shit pants down the hallway
8:00 Rain is done, but Rick refuses to finish Adventure Bocce. Forfeit gives him 0 on the event, meaning Sparky wins Camptathalon 2023. With an asterisk.
8:28 The Dude that does the shit or whatever.
9:17 Rick creeps over to the neighbor’s camp asking if they want his marshmallows.
9:31 “I fucked up the joke. I apologize. I will sit here quietly now.”
9:43 The first time harlot and Rosie O’Donnell have been used in the same sentence.
10:11 First Camptathalon blood since 2013.
10:13 They drew first blood, not me. They drew first blood, not me. 

Sunday
6:53 Westbound and down. I hope the greasy spoon’s open.

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