Camptathalon 2025 had a different flavor than the (thirteen? I’m going with thirteen) previous installments. A couple people came up with late schedule conflicts. Literally one of the participants had an emergency crop up the morning before he was set to head up into the hills. The three of us who made it were stuck with a decision: run Camptathalon as a three-person competition for the first time ever or try to reschedule it for later in the summer. We took the second option. Sort of.
Unfortunately, we had similar snafus for round two. Four of us set off for the campground, but one of the four followed Apple’s or Google’s (I’m guessing Apple) instructions to avoid a wildfire. Somehow he ended up on a gravel road going the wrong direction. When he finally called us, he told us he had been on the road for over two hours and his phone was telling him it was still 2.5 hours to the campsite and only an hour home so, peace out, he turned around and headed home.
So we ended up doing Camptathalon with three people anyway. It took some adjusting. Out went poker and cornhole, in came cribbage.
The out-of-context sexual innuendo stayed, of course.
Fortunately for you, the reader, since we weren’t sure which round would count, we kept a running log for both iterations. We figured with up to half of the normal contingent gone, those remaining might be overtaxed to come up with twice as much content as usual. So here you go:
***Camptathalon, Round 1, Bear River Reservoir, Father’s Day Weekend***
Thursday:
6:37 Since we don’t have to wait for others to arrive tomorrow, mixed drinks? We’ve got pina coladas, rum old fashioned, and Canadian Foghorns.
6:40 When you’re about to encounter a Canadian Foghorn, you should probably be wearing pants.
6:44 Just somebody make me a peanut butter & jelly sandwich
6:56 That’s not an RV. That’s a fucking tour bus.
6:59 Are you sure you said Grand Poobah and not Grand Wizard?
7:17 We resort to spin the bottle to pick our hard alcohol of the night: pina colada.
7:27 I was just thinking of Mount Gay
7:31 The rum is three stars. Out of…?
8:05 Her glove was always in somebody else’s bag.
Friday
7:53 I think a small creature tried to get at our nuts.
8:37 It was a blue jay and the fucker came back with us five feet away.
8:44 Brazen blue jay comes back after we moved the trail mix, looks at us like “WTF, guys?”
9:43 I’d like to move the hammock somewhere I won’t roll over onto a giant rock.
Pussy.
11:07 Mark Knopfler is good at guitar.
1:19 Back from ride to Big Fucking Rock. Blue jay found the trail mix when we were gone, ate everything except the raisins.
3:12 I’ll drink whatever you put in front of me.
That sounds like a challenge.
3:40 Lots of discussion about Lauren Boebert’s handjob.
5:01 No thanks. I like my holes tight.
5:36 We’re turning into the fucking Donner Party here.
8:17 If I am not one of the guys, I should get time and a half
Saturday
7:28 Unless you want a thick white liquid spewing all over the place.
8:32 I would fuck that dude. No homo, but…
2:32 We’re not supposed to get rain.
4:12 Give me the shorter sausage. I don’t think I could handle the big one.
4:16 No, it’s fine. I can stop long enough to put a sausage in my mouth.
5:58 I’m not going to sit there and suck dick all day.
6:40 The woman next door is dressed like a bumblebee.
Sunday
6:33 am West Bound and down. Camptathalon 2025 still TBD
***Camptathalon, round 2, mid-September, Lake Alpine***
Friday
4:45 Snow shoe blows
6:18 John is 2.5 hours away from campsite, 1 hour from home. Camptathalon is officially three. Totally fucking up Vegas odds.
6:19 So I guess that means we get cell coverage here?
6:34 First beer opened.
7:07 Everything bagel chips aren’t bad, but taste nothing like everything bagels.
7:16 Since I guess this is everyone, let’s hang the flag.
7:22 Carnitas, store bought. Not as good as my wife’s
7:43 Is anyone ready?
For what?
For Innis and Gunn?
What the fuck kind of a question is that?
7:46 Speaking of customs…
7:50 I usually just look at her ass
7:56 I’m not going to turn down any beers you’re offering.
8:03 It gets dark earlier in September than in June.
8:14 Administrative Leave. Does that mean I still get paid?
8:18 My cocaine dealer isn’t great at filling out his 1099s
8:24 Is that a beef stick or is it a penis?
8:34 Are you just warming your ass? I thought that’s what the meat sticks are for.
8:35 Three-person cribbage replacing poker for purpose of Loser Libation only.
8:38 Till the sweat drips off my balls.
8:48 The message of Bob Seger’s “Night Moves”‘ is very subtle.
9:06 While you’re passing the cooler…
9:11 I can’t wait to toss them later.
9:28 After round one, Sparky 121, Tony 108, Chris 89
9:35 Loser Libation reveal: Soon Hari, a Korean saki liquor. Yogurt flavor.
9:40 Fifteen for four, Fifteen for five? Six? Five? Six? Does it matter?
9:44 INXS: Isn’t that the guy who jerked himself off to death?
9:47 Cribbage is harder to play drunk than poker is
9:53 Is the sake yogurt fruit flavored? Is the fruit on the bottom?
9:55 I have four points.
No, you have ten.
That’s what I meant
10:06 I won’t feel safe until the yah-ggurt is in somebody else’s throat.
10:27 After second round: Tony 229, Sparky 209, Chris 208.
10:28 Chris “wins” Loser Libation by one point. He must drink his own supply.
10:29 We need to come up with official rules for cumulative cribbage tiebreakers.
10:31 We all agree the Yahgurt Saki was good.
10:40 Not that we’re drafting sitcom characters, but if we were… Jack Tripper, Perry Cox, Kramer?
10:45 Was Monroe gay in “Too Close for Comfort”? Or was it just Jim J Bullock?
11:12 If I met Don Cheadle and he was an asshole, I’d be disappointed.
1:13 am Nighty Night, motherfuckers.
Satruday
9:15 Trying to figure out which competitions scale down to three people
9:16 Tony wants to retroactively add last night’s cribbage in as an event
9:20 First beer of the day
9:24 Breakfast Sandwiches
10:54 That bush is going to eat a lot of balls.
10:57 Event #1: Home Run Derby
11:07 Sparky and Tony tie with one home run each, leading to the saddest Jack-Off ever.
11:08 MLB really missed out by not calling the Home Run Derby to end the All-Star Game a Jack-Off
11:13 I need more balls.
That’s what I like to hear.
11:18 After one event: Chris 3, Sparky 1, Tony 0
11:24 Beginning of Inaugural Cribbage Tourney
11:51 Not sure if this beer is racist or just kinda cool.
11:55 Chris beats Sparky 121-98
12:12 Do you think we could hire a kid to…
12:27 Tony beats Chris 121-93
12:40 I’m gonna go source some wood.
Is that code for masturbation?
12:59 Sparky beats Tony 121-106
1:00 Everyone is 1-1 through one round. Is this tourney going to go on forever?
1:38 Miscommunication. We have everything we need for sandwiches. Except the meat.
2:10 Is that the Lube Room?
2:52 The butter ain’t gonna toss itself
2:59 Oh no! It got too hard again!
3:10 Hanging “I’m a Mothafucking Narwhal” coloring page as the target.
3:19 Event Two: Jonny Goudreau Memorial Butter Toss
3:21 Fuck. There’s a second round?
3:23 After two events: Chris 6, Sparky 2, Tony 0
3:24 Cribbage, Round 2
3:51 Fuck, Fuckity, Fuck. Goddamn Fuck.
I take it Sparky didn’t win?
3:53 Chris beat Sparky 121-107
4:02 Pina coladas
4:28 Tony beats Sparky 121-112
4:29 Sparky in last place with 1-3 record. Chris and Tony are 2-1. Yay, no tiebreaker.
4:31 Cribbage finale
4:48 I don’t know if I knew what fucking was in 1983, but I would have fucked Pat Benatar
4:59 Tony boatraces Chris 121-79
5:00 After three events: Chris 7, Tony 3, Sparky 2
5:01 We all have balls
5:03 Event 4: Adventure Bocce
5:05 It’s always good if we can make it last a little longer
5:13 Do we get a point for touching it?
5:29 After four events: Chris 8, Tony 6, Sparky 2
5:30 Shit, I guess we have to set up axe throwing
5:47 Chris wins axe throw 6 points to 4, securing back-to-back Camptathalon victories.
Final Standings: Chris 11, Tony 7, Sparky 2
5:48 Reading from the Rimmer Book
5:56 I need to practice butter tossing in the offseason
8:16 So much for a vomit-free Camptathalon
Sunday
6:23 Flag comes down
7:03 Someone’s getting a lot of wood, as per usual.
7:37 Westbound and down.
The Writing Wombat 