The thirteenth iteration of Camptathalon happened the second weekend of June, 2023, at PiPi Campground. Not our first choice, but half the campgrounds in California (including where we had reservations) were still under some variation of snow, flooding, or tottering trees after the eternal California drought ended with a vengeance.

Four (and-a-half) competitors attended. Garrett was on the disabled list but still came up to partake in the few events that don’t require a rotator cuff. Chris D, meanwhile, caught Covid the Tuesday before, so he tapped out, much as I did last year. That makes Covid an event-winner in three of the last four years. In 2020, we still managed to get in a streamlined event in September, but, again, not at our choice of venue and time.

As always, I offer no more context than what is provided in the Log. Trust me, the setups wouldn’t make it nearly as entertaining.

Thursday
10:42 (via Text): “Don’t need, but I would gladly smoke one.”
12:56 Tentcot Instructions: “Spread both legs to fully open positions.”
1:10 Chris (first arrivee) returns to campsite to find it full
1:28 First beer. Not counting the many Chris drank last night.
1:34 Sparky undecided on Loser Libation. Two options. One is “just terrible.”
1:40 Sparky opens first beer.
1:41 Chris doesn’t want to be the outcast. Opens beer.
2:19 Chris is reading “Mastering Mule Deer.” Hoping to start a dating app?
2:59 I don’t think anyone’s ever torn a rotator cuff tossing butter.
3:15 It might rain a little, but nothing like last year. Knocks on firewood.
3:26 In-depth discussion of relative sizes and uses of skewers, chopsticks, cherries, and sausages.
5:27 Have already burned through the first bag of Honey Dijon Kettle Chips.
5:30 “I don’t know. What else are we going to do?”
   “Sit around, drink beer, and listen to the baseball game? No seriously, that’s my plan. To sit around, drink beer, and listen to the baseball game.”
6:45 We bust out the manly battery-powered blender for margaritas

6:47 I’m no mixologist, but that might need more ice.
8:00 Children at the adjacent camp make it difficult to urinate.
9:02 Sun’s down. At least now we can pee.
9:06 “Should I not say fuck with kids around?”
   “No, fuck those guys. They took 36 tries to back their fucking RV up. It’s like the tarmac at LaGuardia, for fuck’s sake.”
9:33 One bottle of tequila down. The last round of margaritas might be a little strong.
9:37 Wait, James Dean and Dean Martin are different people?
9:52 Inaugural canasta ends. We finally light the fire.
11:29 Not sure what the fuck happened next door. Dude drives up, wakes campers, yells about staying two weeks in one spot. Definitely not a government employee working at 11:30 at night. Said he was the manager and they’re banned from all camping sites on highway 88.
11:45 Dude’s gone, but neighbors appear to be packing up.

Friday
6:35 “Banned” neighbors still there.
6:38 Family with kids (other side) already awake, so first piss of the day must be in proper facilities. Goddamn anti-American. A first amendment right. The founding fathers believed in peeing outdoors.
6:53 Sparky takes first drink from “Reigning Camptathalon Champion” mug

7:03 There’s no picture of how to pee, so I was totally lost
7:55 Discussion of least-offensive sports teams. Consensus at this point: Carolina Panthers and Milwaukee Brewers
8:19 Beginning of Frank Sinatra Friday
8:27 My mouth tastes less like ass now.
8:56 Grilled chunks o’ ham and cheddar on English muffins for second breakfast
11:00ish Head over to “closed” campground. We totally could’ve camped on this river.

12:15 No swimming or float tubes? Come on, fun police!
12:40 Chris questioning the life decisions of some cows.
12:42 “Lube. Lots of Lube.”
1:05 Pass “banned” neighbors as they’re leaving campground. We consider warning them they’re heading toward Highway 88.
1:25 Fuck it, we’re taking over their spot. Tag expired last Sunday.
1:33 Open the Pube Mixe
2:42 Bets on when Rick will show up: Sparky – 3:17, Tony – 3:33, Chris – 4:20
3:03 Rick arrives. Sparky wins absolutely nothing.
3:11 Four tentcots, looks like a goddamn commune
3:30 Flag is raised

3:31 Official Opening Toast: Old Fashioned. 
3:59 I don’t think that’s an according-to-Hoyle strawberry shortcake.
4:20 NinersPussies.com
4:28 When he wears a sweater, he has tits.
4:32 I’ve got your Pike’s Peak right here.
4:41 Last. Henry Weinhard’s. Ever. 
5:03 “Does the Pope shit in the woods?”
  “I’d be concerned if he did.”
5:23 I’m just gonna start throwing my wood at you.
5:26 Sparky was a late bloomer. He didn’t become interested in boys until 5th grade.
5:59 That’s tactile engagement. That counts.
6:22 Camptathalon Event #1: Poker
6:46 Chris all in. Loser Libation reveal: Stella Artois Cidre with a shot of Fireball.
6:47 The Loser Libation that didn’t make it: alcoholic energy drink
6:50 There’s no smoked salmon in that fucking river, you retard.
6:56 This cigar is like sucking a dick
7:18 Chris “wins” Loser Libation
7:33 Sparky catches queen on the river. Rick throws cards.
7:48 Tony wins poker on trip-5’s
***Standings after one event: Tony – 5, Sparky – 3, Rick – 2, Chris – 0
9:06 “I’ll do anything fucking once.”
9:30 Friday Night Draft. But first… cigars.

Draft: Worst Sequels:
First Round: Sparky: Smokey & the Bandit II, Chris: Phantom Menace, Rick: Ghostbusters II. Tony – Superman III
Second Round: Tony: Rise of Skywalker, Rick: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Chris: Attack of the Clones, Sparky: Cannonball Run II
Third Round: Sparky: Pitch Perfect 3, Chris: Godfather III, Rick: Caddyshack 2, Tony: Ocean’s Twelve
Fourth Round: Tony: Moonraker, Rick: The World is Not Enough, Chris: Halloween 3, Sparky: Star Trek V
Fifth Round: Sparky: American Wedding, Chris: Free Willy 2, Nightmare on Elm Street 2, Tony: Thor: Dark World

SATURDAY

6:49 What did they call golden showers before 1942?
7:02 “Since it’s cooler than usual today, we might need to take the butter out earlier than usual.”
   “God fucking dammit.”
7:23 We’re getting showers of the non-golden variety
7:50 “Doubt I’ll drink more than 15 beers today.”
    “Not with that attitude, you won’t.”
7:55 Opened the mini baseball figures. Tony gets Freddie Freeman, Giancarlo Stanton, Rick gets Josh Naylor, Austin Riley, Chris gets Spencer Torkelson, Mike Trout vintage, Sparky gets Juan Soto, Justin Verlander.

8:14 Had to move Spencer Torkelson to second base.
8:23 Did I hear there’s a possibility of ham?
8:38 You’ve never opened a beer with your car door jamb? The fuck is wrong with you?
10:10 Camptahtalon Event #2: Cornhole
10:15 Garrett arrives with no tent, no pants. Crocs only.
10:33 “I think that shot’s called a rim job.”
10:40 Usually I wear pants.
11:04 Sparky wins cornhole
***Standings after two events: Sparky 8, Tony 8, Rick 4, Chris 0
11:08 There is no pussy that is that good
11:25 Rain returns
11:50 Motley Crue’s latest hit: Vaping in the non-gender-specific restroom
12:00 It’s supposed to be nice and moist, but it’s like beef jerky in here.
12:12 Alright, let me find my balls.
12:21 Camptathalon Event #3: Home-run derby
12:40 We haven’t had a good jack-off in a while.
12:43 First round: Tony 3, Rick 2, Sparky 1, Chris 0
12:53 Wait, can you explain this jack-off thing?
12:57 Second Round: Tony 4, Sparky 3. Rick 2
1:03 First 100 fans will receive a free jack-off bobblehead
1:20 Sparky wins final round 3 to 2
***Standings after three events: Sparky 13, Tony 11, Rick 6, Chris 0
1:45 You wouldn’t fuck Joan Jett. Joan Jett would fuck you, my friend.
1:50 You could eat an old shoe if you had to.
2:04 “And I can wipe my own ass, but let’s talk about other things that don’t matter.”
2:10 Lockeford Sausages for lunch.
2:14 Ted Danson is a good-looking guy, but I wouldn’t jack-off with him.
2:15 I fucked this up and this is now really uncomfortable.
2:29 You just want to be able to yell “Who’s the Boss?” when you’re banging her.
2:53 Camptathalon Event #4: Butter Toss. Target: Meghan Markle

2:57 Sparky and Tony engage in a toss-off for last place
3:01 That thunder sounds ominous
3:04 Garrett “wins” Butter Toss, but is on the ineligible list. Chris gets 5 points, Rick 3, Sparky 2, Tony 0

***Standings after four events: Sparky 15, Tony 11, Rick 9, Chris 5
3:18 Should we wait till after bocce to light that fire? Phhhttt. Blows out fire.
3:20 Camptathalon Event #5: Adventure Bocce. If Tony finishes first, Sparky last, he will win Camptathalon. All other outcomes, Sparky wins. 

3:36 “That would’ve been nice for you to just kiss me over there.”
3:44 Adventure Bocce paused on account of inclement weather. Current scores: Chris & Tony have 6 each, Rick and Sparky have 3.
4:00 Lightning less than a five-count from thunder.
4:13 Been an awful lot of thunder since we threw butter at the departed queen’s blessed granddaughter-in-law
4:41 Exhibition Event: Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza
4:43 No, I wasn’t paying attention to the instructions
4:47 What sound does a goat do? Meeeh.
4:54 That’s just because he’s usually rubbing his nipples on a regular basis.
4:48 I notice you’ve got a wet spot over there.
5:10 You need to jerk off more.
5:14 Much like lube.
5:30 Pulled pork dinner
6:53 Once talk turns to whorehouses, it’s tough to pull it back.
7:03 “Did you shit yourself?”
   “Wait, I’m getting to that story.”
7:11 I had to wear my shit pants down the hallway
8:00 Rain is done, but Rick refuses to finish Adventure Bocce. Forfeit gives him 0 on the event, meaning Sparky wins Camptathalon 2023. With an asterisk.
8:28 The Dude that does the shit or whatever.
9:17 Rick creeps over to the neighbor’s camp asking if they want his marshmallows.
9:31 “I fucked up the joke. I apologize. I will sit here quietly now.”
9:43 The first time harlot and Rosie O’Donnell have been used in the same sentence.
10:11 First Camptathalon blood since 2013.
10:13 They drew first blood, not me. They drew first blood, not me. 

Sunday
6:53 Westbound and down. I hope the greasy spoon’s open.