The Apple-Google Civil War

So I guess Google is now backing Apple’s encryption fight against the government.


Don’t worry, I’m not coming down on the side of Big Government. I just don’t like to see Google and Apple agreeing on anything. It’s like those episodes of “Tom and Jerry” where the two got along. Nobody likes those.

But Apple and Google playing well together and, even worse, teaming up against the government, destroys my future narrative. I was sure the country was headed toward a Civil War between these two behemoths. Now what am I going to do with this elusive Apple-only virus I’ve been working so diligently on?

Yes, I know there are still great geographical divides between different ways of life. Contrary to President Obama’s inaugural address, we are still a nation of red states and blue states. But I don’t see us resorting to geographic fisticuffs this time around. If Mississippi woke up tomorrow and decided they didn’t want to be American anymore, I think the collective blue state response would be, “Can you take Arkansas with you?”

But mock my android phone? Oh, we’re coming to blows.

Because whether you opt for Apple products or Google products is much more than a geographic choice. It defines your character. It defines your very way of life. It announces whether you want your favorite company to steal your money or your information.

Just like in the first American Civil War, economics trump God and country.

(Oh shit, I said trump. That’s a Civil War that’s not quite as funny to comprehend.)

As a relative moderate on the political scale, I’ve had plenty of arguments with both Democrats and Republicans. Usually those arguments end with something along the lines of, “Well, I don’t agree with you, but it’s an interesting perspective.”

But when I tell an Apple-phile that I like my Android phone? Like, I actually PREFER the phone over an iPhallus?

I get a blank stare back.

Blink. Blink.

“You just mean for the price, right?” They ask.

“No. It swipes better. The widgets are better. The home button works more logically.”

No response.

“Why would I pay twice as much for a product that is obsolete as soon as it comes out?”

“I just…” they’ll respond, “I don’t know how to respond to that.

“Can we talk about something not as controversial, like re-instituting slavery, instead?”

So the two sides seemed to be firmly entrenching themselves for a brother-against-brother battle when the stupid FBI had to get their grubby Fourth Amendment paws involved. Now the iWorld and Chromeland are all peace, love, and understanding.

Dangit, now what am I going to do with all of these non-iPod MP3 players I’ve been stockpiling?

I couldn’t think of the name of any non-iPod MP3 players off the top of my head. Maybe I should google it.

But maybe my dream isn’t too far from happening. Maybe they’re teaming up to get the United States government out of the way before they can truly face off for dominance. Like all dominant civilizations throughout history, they are creating a vacuum of power, then will vie for which worldview will fill that void. Stalin and Caesar both teamed up with others to oust their rival, then turned on their allies.

But who is iStalin? And who is Chrome-zar?

I figure the coming war will be fought primarily on the west coast. In Oregon.  They already have a football game there that they call the Civil War for no damn reason. I could understand calling it the Civil War when Kentucky plays Tennessee. Or West Virginia against Virginia.

But Oregon versus Oregon State? Last I checked, there were no fights in Eugene or Corvallis back in the 1860s. Which means they must be referencing some other Civil War. A future Civil War, perhaps.

How would they know where a future war will be fought? Why, a time machine, of course. And if any company has a time machine, it’s Nike. Where else can they find people willing to make shoes for 25-cents a day, but 1875?

So the Google troops will march north from the Silicon Valley to take on the iTroops swarming down from Seattle. Yes, I know Apple is also currently based in Silicon Valley, but I can’t imagine a war would be fought entirely in San Jose. Neither army would even be able to move unless they took public transit. And BART won’t make it that far south until the fifth Civil War.

In my scenario, the Fort Sumter of the Second Civil War would be Google’s storming of Apple HQ. Apple would be ousted from California pretty quickly and have to make amends and take refuge with their old buddies at Microsoft.

How will they be routed so quickly? They weren’t informed of the impending attack because it was posted on Facebook, a natural ally to Google. Or maybe Apple tried to find their way to the battlefield using Apple Maps.

Apple would have some pretty quick victories at the beginning, because they’d schedule an offensive right after the new iGun comes out. Their troops would smugly show off the new weapons they waited in line for three days for.

“Siri, how do I gut a Google prisoner of war?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know which mutt grew more.”

Of course, they wouldn’t realize that the Chromegun that just shot them has had that capability for two months. It might have taken six weeks of that two months for the Verizon people to get it all set up, but the capability’s at least been there.

Verizon is Italy in this war. They’ll play both sides and keep jumping to the side that’s winning.

And Apple wouldn’t help their troops any. They would already have the iGun Plus ready to go, but their marketing department would not let them release it for six months.

Plus another two months while the Verizon worker taps the counter saying, “It just needs to upload your contacts.”

And it’ll be hard for their troops to fight when they’re standing in line for three days waiting for the new iTillery. The new iTillery uses Google Maps to drop a bomb in the right place.

By then they’ll be in quick retreat through Portland.

“Siri, how do I get the patchouli smell out of my iTank?”

But then the northern offensive would sputter out. Google has been selling the location of their troops to the highest bidder. They all get distracted by ads for a lovely bed-and-breakfast near Crater Lake. Google tries to commandeer the Amazon drones to fly new supplies out to their troops, but it’s too late. Troops on both sides are now devoting all of their time to the true victor of this war.

They’re watching video after video on YouTube.

They were really only planning on watching one, but then there was a video just like it on the sidebar, and dammit, now these new videos are just playing by themselves unless you click to stop it.

The videos both sides are watching?

Nike commercials, naturally.


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