A Hall of Famer and a Degenerate Walk into the Afterlife

I wasn’t planning on writing about baseball in the middle of December. Nor finishing the year with a downer about somebody who I never met dying.

But Rickey Henderson has always been about disrupting gameplans.

I was saddened last weekend when news started trickling out that the all-time stolen-base leader was had gone off to play in the Field of Dreams. It took a while for it to hit official sources. Somebody sent me something from TMZ, but nothing was on CNN or ABC News. And MLB.com was awash in the Yankees signing Paul Goldschmidt. An important move, I’m sure, but I didn’t think it would trump a Hall of Famer dying. 

Unfortunately, before long, everybody was confirming it.

Old baseball players die. Heck, there was another baseball icon that died a few months ago that had everyone gushing over “playing the game the right way.” 

The only difference is Rickey never disgraced himself by belittling the sanctity of the game.

Truthfully, I wasn’t much of a Rickey fan for most of his career. Part of that might be because I grew up an Angels fan and he was indicative of everything that was frustrating about those dominant, arrogant A’s teams of the late 1980s. 

I mocked him often, as a guy who didn’t realize how dumb he was. He had one talent, being fast, without an ounce of reflection on any shortcomings or the basics of the game that made him a millionaire. He was a Jose Canseco without pop.

Although not even Canseco had the audacity to scream out “Today, I am the greatest of all time.” Except maybe when he was banging Madonna.

I remember one particular play that, to me, defined Rickey. Tie game, runner on third, less than two outs. The batter hit a towering foul ball. Rickey camped out under it. The runner on third tagged up, ready to dart home on a sacrifice fly. Tony La Russa was shouting from the dugout for Rickey to let the ball drop. Guessing the third baseman and centerfielder, and maybe half the stadium (this was back when fans attended A’s games), were yelling for him to let the ball drop foul, because if he caught it, the go-ahead run would score.

He caught it. The team lost. In the press conference after the game, Rickey said his job is to catch the ball, so he caught the ball.

As time went on, as Rickey got older and became an elder statesman, and maybe partly because I moved to Northern California and started watching more A’s games, my opinions of him shifted. I still think he might’ve been dumber than dirt. But I also think he was in on the joke.

Some of the things I thought he was lucky for, or maybe just an idiot savant, actually turned out to be talent. I wasm’t the only person at the time who thought getting walks was more a matter of luck than skill. If it was common knowledge, they wouldn’t have had to write a book about it.  

And Rickey’s stolen bases, especially as he got older, had less to do with speed, but n knowing when to run. In an interview, he claimed the elbow on the pitcher’s throwing arm was the tell he looked for. That’s some pretty deep knowledge for a pretty dumb guy. 

Then, of course, there’s the “Rickey being Rickey” stories, many of which have been confirmed by multiple players. The fact that when he got his first million dollar bonus, he hung the check on his wall instead of cashing it, which led the A’s to have accounting issues all year. Something they still seem to be suffering from today. 

When he played with John Olerud, who wore a helmet while playing first base, in San Diego, Rickey told him about some other guy he used to play with in Toronto who also wore a helmet. “Yeah, Rickey,” Olerud said. “That was me.”

And of course, his propensity to refer to himself in the third person. “Man, Rickey can’t do nothing without breaking a damn cleat.” That gem comes by way of Tony Gwynn, another baseball hero gone too soon.  Sometimes i forget he’s dead, and I turn on a Padres game and hear his son, who sounds just like him, doing color commentary and i think “Oh cool, Tony Gwynn” before remembering, once again, that he died.  

You know which recently-deceased baseball player I don’t give a shit about? Pete Rose.

Ironically, if I were to assess them during their actual careers, I would have had a much higher opinion of the all-time hit king than the all-time steal king.

I’ve already gone through my opinions of Rickey, and in many ways, Pete was the anti-Rickey. All grit, no flash. A workman instead of a showboat. And even better for kids my age, he was the host of “The Baseball Bunch,” a Saturday morning show that alternated between explaining the game, showing some highlights, and letting the famous San Diego Chicken run roughshod over a bunch of little leaeguers. 

Rickey never could’ve done The Baseball Bunch, because I’m not sure he could’ve read and memorized a script. Not even sure he could’ve explained all those nuances of the game he’d picked up through experience, like the pitcher’s elbow and when not to catch a foul ball. There are players who are great at explaining their process, like Greg Maddux, and there are guys who thrive through instinct. It’s why Bill Parcells, not Johnny Unitas, goes on to become a coach.

Plus, if Rickey had hosted a kid’s show, the entire thirty minutes would’ve been bleeped out.

But “The Baseball Bunch” was scripted. And Pete Rose wasn’t actually that calm and collected. He played every single game like he needed to prove the world wrong. 

Rhe defining moment of Pete Rose’s career was when he rounded third in the All-Star Game and, instead of sliding, barreled into the catcher, Ray Fosse, to dislodge the ball. Rose scored the run, his team… well, I don’t know if his team won or lost because it was a meaningless exhibition game. But I do know that Ray Fosse dislocated his shoulder and suffered fromongoing back pain that probably shortened his career as a result of the collision. 

Who the hell ends another man’s career to win a meaningless game? Maybe he had money on it.  

I can’t tell you how many obituaries I read saying Pete Rose played the game the right way. Like a hard-ass. As if the Yogi Berras of the world don’t want to win?

Interesting side note: Yogi Berra won a whole hell of a lot more than Pete Rose did. Pete did win one more than Rickey, but there’s a Kirk Gibson sized asterisk attached to that. And I don’t know how much Pete Rose did for that Phillies team. Three of his for seasons there, he was statistically worse than a replacement player. 

That’s what people loved about him. Even though he didn’t have a ton of talent, he still stuck around. Who cares if he fored his teammates to work around his terrible baserunning because he always hit singles!

His fans call that grit. He was just hyper- competitive, you see. He had nothing else in his life except hitting singles! 

Oh, and maybe the gambling. 

And again, i also loved that about him when he was playing. But I was also under the age of ten. You know what I realize is manly now? Realizing when you’ve lost a step. Not making those around you take a back seat to your ego. 

I’m in the wind-down of my career. i sure as hell don’t make others teach the way I used to. Scantrons all around! 

Sometimes it’s good to let those with a little less experience take the lead for a bit. You might learn some new skills like interactive timelines or media analysis. Or scoring from second on a single.

In his later years, Rickey took diminished roles on teams. Hell, he played for unaffiliated minor league teams in his late 40s because he loved the game so much. Or, more likely, because he didn’t know what else to do with his life. Maybe he should’ve taken up gambling. 

He then became a “roving minor league instructor” for the A’s, which basically meant he going to their minor league teams as a  motivator or a fun ambassador. We used to love him coming to Sacramento when they were an A’s affiliate. Here was a fifty-something Hall of Famer playing first base coach for some twenty year-olds. 

I know, I know. Pete Rose also stuck around the game. He managed. Until he got banned for betting on the games he managed.

Pete’s defenders say he never bet against his team. And that’s true. He only bet them to win. 

But!

He didn’t bet on his team to win every game. 

The most damning thing is that he managed the game differently in games where he did or did not bet on his team. So if he had a one-run lead late in a game he hadn’t bet on, he might leave his best pitchers in the bullpen, saving their arms for tomorrow, when he might make a bet. And I’m sure his bookies never took advantage of knowing which games the manager wanted to win and which games the manager was fine losing.

A lot of people who agree that the gambling was bad say it shouldn’t keep him out of the Hall of Fame. The Hall is based on what you do as a player, not a manager. And while there’s no official investigation into whether he gambled while a player, some basic understanding of addiction and human nature says he didn’t wake up one day in 1985 and think, “Hey, you know what I just realized? I have a lot of inside knowledge of baseball!”

The other argument to put him in the Hall is that it’s not the Hall of Nice People. It’s got racists and wife beaters. Even Ray Schalk! What you do on the field is the only thing that matters.

Why does what happens on the field matter? Because fans watch the game. Why to fans watch? Because we believe it’s not fixed. Shitty people make it in the Hall of Fame because they don’t turn the game into a mockery. If we start to think the game isn’t real, we’ll stop paying for twenty-dollar beers. The one thing you can never do in any of the legitimate sports is bet on that sport. 

Otherwise it becomes wrestling. Wrestling is fun. Wrestling has its own Hall of Fame. Guess who’s in it? Not Rickey. 

I’m sure Pete Rose loved baseball. I’m sure being kicked out of baseball ruined him. I’m also sure that he thought he was bigger than the game and could do whatever the hell he wants.

Pete Rose also came to Sacramento. Before we got an official minor league team, we had an unaffiliated team. To give you an idea of how competitive they were, they played their games at a junior college that didn’t serve beer. Pete Rose was there only as a publicity stunt. For him and the team. He used most of the attention not to talk about the kids he was managing, but to complain about the fate of poor wittle Petey Wose.  

Now that Sacramento has grown from unaffiliated to triple-A to, allegedly temporarily, the majors with the A’s coming to town, I was looking forward to Rickey being a staple at the stadium. Some of the others known for showing up at A’s games from time to time, like Eric Byrnes and Dennis Eckersley, aren’t as likely to show up at a minor league park seventy miles away from their former fan base. But Rickey would’ve loved it. If he was happy to be here with minor leaguers, the A’s being here would’ve sweetened the deal even more. 

Unfortunately, that ain’t happening now. 

What I hope is happening is Tony Gwynn and Rickey Henderson reuniting to corner the outfield of the Field of Dreams. Along with other players like Roberto Clemente and Jackie Robinson, both taken too young. 

As an Angel fan, I imagine Nick Adenhart as a pitching equivalent of Moonlight Graham. He pitched a gem to start out what was supposed to be his rookie year, but was killed by a drunken driver before the sun rose the following morning. 

Willie Mays probably anchors centerfield. Not saying he died young, but he loved baseball till the day he died, which is the only requirement to get in.

I just hope when Pete Rose asks to be let him, they give him the old Ty Cobb treatment.  

“None of us could stand the son-of-a-bitch when we were alive, so we told him to stick it.”

2024 Concert Review

Earlier this week, I wrote about my family’s sojourn to the final Taylor Swift Eras concert in a city redubbed Swift-couver for the weekend. 

Seeing as I didn’t actually go to that concert, I didn’t think it would be proper to include it in my year-end review of concerts.

This time, I’ll go over the concerts I actually did attend, even if we might quibble over whether or not one of them actually counts as a concert. Since we all know the real pop star of the Happy Days set was Ralph Malph.

Don’t believe me? Look up Don Post on YouTube. He might even be more talented than Jason Mraz.

Dammit. Getting ahead of myself.

Jason Mraz

The only musical concert I actually attended this year was Jason Mraz.

Wife and I started dating in the late aughts, so “I’m Yours” was one of “our songs.” It only seemed natural that we go see him perform it live.

Our other song was by Michael Franti. Maybe we should’ve seen him instead.

Sorry, don’t want to spoil my review of the concert.

Starting out with his opening act, which I thought was an odd choice. 

It was a jam band. I’m all for jam bands. Except I like the jamming to happen at key moments throughout the show. Not be the ENTIRE show.

Like, seriously, I don’t think there was a single lyric in the entirety of their show. But the lead… um, not singer… lead player?… kept introducing different songs and claiming they were written about a thing that happened, a person she met, an emotion or whatever. But when they started playing, it still just sounded like the same old jammin’.

The… um, the person whose name was on the band… also had a tendency to mouth along the guitar riffs as she played them. Like scat singing, but with no sound coming out. Or maybe there was sound coming out but since there were no lyrics, her voice wasn’t being mic’ed.

Again, I’m all for scat singing. If Louis Armstrong starts touring, I’ll be first in line. While there, I’m might also parlay the 1969 Mets and Jets.

It turns out the opening band were actually just three if Jason Mraz’s backup musicians. I guess it saves on the expenses when the additional help is already on the payroll. Andrew Carnegie called that vertical integration. 

Then again, if Jason Mraz was looking to control costs, he might’ve thought about keeping that backup band to, i don’t know, maybe a bakers dozen? 

Seriously, his band was fucking huge. Somewhere between fifteen and twenty musicians.  I lost track because there were rarely more than four or five on the stage at one time. There are fewer line changes at a hockey game. 

He started out the concert with an all female band. I thought maybe it was a virtue signal. Like “look how un-misogynistic I am. I’m making a point that women can be musicians, too.” As if anybody would disagree with that? After all, we were seeing Jason Mraz in a glorified Indian casino. Taylor Swift is playing slightly larger venues.

It made it even worse when I was finally able to track all fifteen or so musicians and realized only six or seven were women, so the likelihood of all five starting musicians being female without it being intentional is statistically improbable. He also let the women play one more song by themselves, second from the last song, and he made a point of how phenomenal these women musicians were, before bringing the men back out for the big show ender. 

Kinda feels like the main misogynist in the room was Jason. 

And yeah, the women were great. Both the men and the women. It was an amazingly talented band. Most of them switched instruments without missing a beat.

One woman played not only keyboards and percussion and bass, but she also busted out a motherfucking sitar for a couple songs! She stole the show as far as I was concerned. Unlike those wimpy Beatles, who stopped touring when they took up sitar.

Largely because of the talent behind him, this concert was pretty solid from a music standpoint. When they did “The Remedy,” they turned it into a slower, funkier version great for calling attention to a song we’ve heard so often, and so fast, that the lyrics go by without thought. 

Meanwhile, the guy whose name was on the marquee occasionally busted out a rhythm guitar from time to time. If had to rank the musical ability of the various people on the stage, Jason Mraz would’ve been in the bottom twenty percent. 

Which isn’t a slight, necessarily. Going back to the Beatles, they weren’t the most talented musicians. George and Paul might’ve grown as their careers progressed, but there’s a reason they brought Eric Claption in for “While My Guitar Gently Weeps.”

What made the Beatles great was their songwriting and ability to push the envelope on musical techniques. Jason Mraz has the former. Not sure if he has the latter or not.

At least I thought had the songwriting thing down. Until he told a heartwarming story that the line “I won’t worry my life away” came from a friend of his who was dying of cancer. Jason visited him and was totally bummed out, but his friend said that line and it lifted Jason’s spirits. I mean, if a guy who is dying isn’t going to worry his life away, then… maybe I can steal that line and become super popular with it. 

Tough shit, Cancer Dude.

There was another lyric in another song, I forget which one, that he also admitted to totally stealing from someone. This dude is like a walking trademark infringement. 

He’s clearly pretty enamored with this propensity of his, too. After one song, he said, “Wow, that’s such a great lyric.” To which I thought, “Oh yeah? Who’d you steal it from?’

Normally I wouldn’t be so snarky when reacting to a little in-between-songs banter at a concert I’d been looking forward to attending. But, my God, this guy had shit to say after every single song. A number of his diatribes were longer than the songs themselves. 

He’s clearly going for a particular schtick, which is “Aw shucks, ain’t life great?” I suppose life sure is great for a dude that gets millions of dollars to steal lyrics and hide behind more talented musicians. 

Not that I’m opposed to either of those things, but come on, dude, we’re paying to hear songs, not a celebrity basking in the trappings of privilege. If I wanted to hear from a life guru, I wouldn’t have needed to pay an extra Ticketmaster fee. 

Plus, I’d already seen a celebrity do a similar schtick earlier this year. 

And Fonzie did it better.

Henry Winkler

I wasn’t sure if I should include this. It certainly isn’t a concert by any stretch of the imagination. However, it was listed as a “Tour.” He played the Bay Area on a Thursday night and was doing the same  “playlist” (really more of a PowerPoint) the following Sunday in Sacramento. 

All to promote his newest album… I mean, book.

I’ve always been fascinated by Henry Winkler. First and foremost, I’m fifty years old, meaning Fonzie was everywhere during my upbringing. And unlike Jack Tripper, the other late-1970s epitome of cool, Happy Days was considered family friendly. Despite the fact that the family killed off their eldest son and then went all “Say Nothing” on it for ten more seasons. Sit on it, Motherfucker!

But then, as I grew up, I saw Fonzie taking on some very un-Fonzie-like rolls. I mean, I could maybe see an aging Fonzie coaching a college football team like he did in Waterboy. But he showed up in a random MacGyver episode as a probate lawyer. If Fonzie decided to use his charisma and charm to go the lawyer route, you know he would’ve been an ambulance chaser a la My Cousin Vinny, not a lawyer dealing with dead people’s estates.

But a mortician in Night Shift? No way Fonzie’s working with dead people unless he can hit the jukebox and bring them back to life.

It turns out that Henry Winkler is actually an actor.  

Of course, I’m being facetious. But not entirely. 

Given his first role, one might be forgiven for being skeptical of his acting. After all, Steven Segal and Vin Diesel might play one specific type of character really well, but I don’t see them turning a morgue into a whorehouse. I’m still convinced that the reason the first Matrix movie was better than the other two is that Keanu Reeves is best when his character is confused.

Henry Winkler, however, is a damn fine actor. 

Such that his most iconic role, Arthur Fonzarelli, is about as far from the real Henry Winkler as you can get.

Fonzie is all about cool, while Henry Winkler seems to be a bundle of neuroses. Fonzie is aloof, Henry is personable and empathetic. Fonzie could take it or leave it, Henry is amazed with life. 

Like seriously, how can a guy that was on every third-grader’s lunchbox in America be this humble? How can a guy who was one time at the top of the celebrity hill be so empathetic and enthusiastic about the lives of others? 

(Although, Henry claims he was never top of the A List. Fonzie was. When he showed up to parties without using the Fonzie voice, they were usually disappointed.)

I took my mom to see him speak after having given his autobiography to her for Christmas. I didn’t read the autobiography, but figured it would be a generally positive look at life. My mom said it was mainly him complaining about his parents, which, yeah, is a big part of his schtick, but usually he’s very humble and introspective about it. My mom didn’t get that on first reading, probably because she imagined it coming from an arrogant Fonzie, not an effusive Henry.

By the time his show ended, she saw the book in an entirely different light.

There isn’t a heck of a lot to the show. I wasn’t kidding when I said it was basically a PowerPoint of his life story. Hoo-Wee, that sounds exciting!

But he wasn’t just reading off the slides like my students do. They were mainly just some pictures to ground him in case he got off on a tangent. And trust me, he went off on a number of tangents.

 In fact, there were a number of times he forgot it was even there and then would have to jump forward multiple slides to get caught up.

My favorite example of this was his long diatribe about his father’s wood-cutting business. His parents wanted him to follow his father into this family endeavor. “Why else do you think we came to America than to give you this chance?” To which Henry responded, “Gee, I thought maybe escaping the Nazis had something to do with it.”

He continued on with this and various other stories about his family fighting his decision to do theater in college. 

Maybe five minutes later, he realized he was still on a slide of him as a child, so he quickly forwarded a few slides. For the most part, it was easy to see which pictures corresponded with which parts of his story. Except for the picture of the Hollywood sign, because his story hadn’t progressed to California yet. 

He took one look at it and said, “Oh. That was the only Wood I wanted to work with.” We laughed. Belatedly.

His life story revolved around the fact that he has dyslexia and therefore struggled in school. His parents called him “Dummhund,” which translates to dumb dog. Although he did graduate Emerson College and then attended Yale’s graduate school for drama. These two facts seem to counteract both his school struggles and his parents’ lack of support for his acting ability. Yale drama school might not be as selective as the rest of the campus, it’s still an Ivy League graduate school that probably doesn’t take a lot of students who can’t read.

Regardless, if I wanted my daughter to take after me in my wood cutting business, I wouldn’t be signing her up for acting school.

When his story did progress to California, it was the similar story to a lot of actors: Living on someone else’s couch, doing random commercials or sit-com walk-ons for a pittance to stave off starvation or, even worse, returning home with your tail between your legs to grovel before all those naysayers and their “I told you so”s. 

He didn’t seem to wait any tables, though. Maybe that’s more of a post-1970 thing.

We learned that Fonzie’s famous “My hair’s too good for a comb” pose was not in the script. Garry Marshall wanted him to actually comb his hair, because greasers gonna grease. Henry thought that was too cliche and asked for it to be taken out. Marshall kept it in. So Henry did what he did, fully expecting them to yell cut and have him do it over, but instead they loved it.

It might have been that scene that changed the trajectory of the Fonzie character from local tough guy to main character.

In the end, it was Fonzie who killed Chuck Cunningham. Just (probably) not figuratively.

The end of Henry’s parents stories are great. After fighting his getting into acting for so long, they traveled all around proudly claiming they were Fonzie’s parents. He’s met people all around the world with his parents’ autographs on his own glossy.

“Not bad for a Dummhund, huh?” 

He talked about discovering Marlee Matlin when she was a teenager. Her mother hoped he’d talk her out of her dreams, convince her that Hollywood is too shallow for a deaf girl to make it. Henry responded that he wished he could, but what he saw on the stage was a rare talent, a commanding presence, and it would be an absolute travesty if she didn’t follow through.

He told other stories, as well. My favorite was the time Robin Williams guest starred. He was mostly quiet during rehearsals as the part was continually rewritten. When he finally kicked into character, the rest of the cast could barely contain themselves. What Henry decided was to let Robin take over the episode, not pull a “Hey, this is MY show” and try to steal the spotlight. To just step aside and let the force of nature take over.

And to think, he did all this without stealing from a cancer patient.

It’s not surprising, then, that his whole schtick is about ignoring the naysayers and following your own path. 

Not sure that I buy fully into the message. Sure, it works for Marlee Matlin and Robin Williams. And Henry Winkler. But I’ve seen a number of really bad community theater actors who probably need to invest in an accounting degree.

And, to be fair, his message was not just to follow your dreams, but to be true to yourself. But again, that implies people are able to separate their dream-self from their real-self.

He also focused a lot in on children, feeling his parents never listened to him, never really engaged with him. He gave an example of a kid wanting to say something when you’re on the way out the door. But you take the time to ask them what’s up, they say something like, “I like green,” and instead of saying nobody gives a shit, you say, “You know what? That’s very interesting, and I have to go, but I really want to talk more about this when I get home tonight.”

I mean, I get it. But tell me you haven’t had children around forever without telling me, am I right? If we let Daughter dictate when and how we are to leave the house, she’d be a half-hour late to school every day, and I don’t care if that’s her “real self.”

Then again, I think he’s talking more about how the Baby Boomers were raised and how they raised us Gen Xers. If anything, we’ve overcorrected for this. Nowadays, a dyslexic kid isn’t put in the “Dummhund” category. They’re given an IEP that specifies they never have to do anything, ever. Doubt they’re going to learn the perseverance necessary to do auditions. 

Sometimes I’d love to treat Daughter like I was treated, allowed to range freely about the neighborhood without a GPS in sight. 

When she was born, I swore I’d never give in on Elf on the Shelf. If my dad had sworn his child would never be given something, he wouldn’t have given a shit how much it bothered me or made me a social pariah. Want to know how many elves we have on our fucking shelf? Four!

So yeah, I get that children are impressionable and an errant comment or brush-off can have a lasting impact, but that doesn’t mean we should encourage them to interrupt and hold the world hostage to every whisp of a whim.

Otherwise we’ll get another generation of Jason Mrazes.

Travelblog (Taylor’s Version)

This time of year, I usually do a review of the various concerts I went to. 

Unfortunately, this year I only made it to one concert. 

Plus one celebrity speaking engagement that was being touted as a tour. 

Oh, and I also wen to a city in which a concert was being held.

That last one might not seem to count, but the unattended concert cost more than my last five concerts combined, and that total includes a Ed Sheeran.

Besides, have you ever heard of a city changing it’s name for a concert? 

So maybe one concert and two half concerts? You might think that adds up to two concerts, but clearly you haven’t been playing Duolingo, which seems convinced that reviewing third grade math is tantamount to learning a second language.

But that recent non-concert is probably worth a post of its own, so here we go. I’ll return with the shows I actually attended later this week.

Taylor Swift

There’s a pop star that you probably haven’t heard of. She recently finished up a concert tour. The Epochs tour? The Eons tour? Something along those lines. It hasn’t made much news.

I also heard she might be dating a football player? Can’t verify that, though. You’d think the tv coverage might, I don’t know, cut away from the game to show her once or twice? I’m surprised no one thought of that.

Anyway, yeah. My daughter decided she was in love with Taylor Swift shortly after the American portion of the Eras Tour was over. Too bad, because then we only would’ve been paying out the nose for the tickets, instead of the tickets and a myriad of other travel expenses.

We looked at going to England or Ireland when she was playing those arenas, but I wasn’t really sure how the secondary market worked across the pond. So instead we zeroed in on Vancouver, where Stubhub and Ticketmaster still run things.

That being said, I didn’t really realize that we’d be seeing the last show of the entire two-year tour. We were just looking for geographic proximity, not historic importance. Unfortunately, many other Swifties were going for other reasons, making every damn flight to and hotel in the greater Vancouver area a complete shitshow. I don’t know how many actual Vancouverites were at the three shows. 

I’m starting to understnd why musicians do residencies. If the people in the city aren’t given first crack at tickets, what does it matter where you’re playing? Have the people come to you.

Then again, maybe the local people did get first crack at the tickets. And then resold them.

Our two tickets weren’t the worst seats in the house, but they certainly weren’t the best. Upper deck, a few rows back from the railing and off to the left of the stage, so not way back in centerfield. Or the endzone, since it’s a footbal stadium. Although it’s a Canadian Football League stadium, so they probably don’t call it the endzone. It’s probably the negative 55-yard line. Or the Rouge. 

A few days before the concert, they released a handful of seats behind the stage. And by behind, I mean they were literally described as “No View of Stage.” You were attending for the sole purpose of watching the Jumbotron, so they only cost $16. Allegedly some of them were still flipped for $1,000.

In comparison, our “in full view of the concert” (except, Daughter infromed me afterward, of the Folklore cabin, whatever the hell that is) tickets seemed like a steal at a little northward of $1,000 each. After the various fees and premiums and Stubhub magic, the two tickets set us back about three grand. And that’s three grand American, don’t forget. None of those cheap Loonies and Twonies. 

So two tickets was plenty. Daughter got to take her mother to the concert (or vice versa, really) and poor ol’ me had a night in Vancouver all to myself. Call it a win-win-win. 

I reached out to a few curling clubs to see if they needed subs for their league games and, fortunately, one of them had someone going to the concert. Daughter wasn’t enamored when I suggested giving her ticket to a curler in order to ensure I could sub.

I’ve only once been to a concert where the attendees made noticeable dent in the culture and economy of the city, and that was when the Parrotheads invaded Las Vegas. However, Vegas is itself a tourist destination, and a tourist destination that caters to many of the same clandestine activities that Jimmy Buffett’s fans likely imbibe in. I doubt the Salt Lake Buffett concert had quite the same effect. 

But, unlike Vancouver for Taylor Swift, Vegas didn’t shut down for Buffett. And its effect of Phoenix was probably zero. 

Why do i mention Phoenix? Because it’s about as long of a drive from Vegas as Seattle is from Vancouver (when you take into account no customs agents on the Nevada-Arizona border). And let me tell you, Seattle was decimated by Taylor Swift being 130 miles away.

I thought I had an original idea for avoiding some of the costs and hassle of flying into Vancouver by flying into Seattle and driving into Canada. 

While it might have been cheaper, and maybe even a little easier, it was far from “original.” Half of our flight was doing the exact same thing. And we weren’t the only ones.

I’m a Hertz Gold member. Usually that means I don’t have to stand in line or do any sort of checking in at most airports. I walk up, pick a car, and they print my contact on the way out of the parking garage. 

This time, my name wasn’t listed on the big board. I thought maybe it was because my flight was delayed and they thought i was a no- show.

Nope. Turns out the Swifties had wiped the Seattle airport out of cars. Hertz literally didn’t have enough cars to do their normal “pick one of this row” and instead had to treat us specials like the plebs and send us to one specific stall where they’ve held on to one specific car for our reservation. 

When I walked through the “Gold Section” that is usually awash with dozens of cars, it was like the parking lot of a bar at 8:00 am. How the hell many people need to be traveling to a concert if it wipes out the rental counter at an airport three hours away? 

Technically, closer to four hours, because the border crossing was backed up, too. The Swiftie army bested the Mountie army.

Then there was the city of Vancouver itself. Here is just a small sampling of some of the “minor” ways they catered to the foreign invasion. 

*The Capilano Suspension Bridge turned its usual Christmas Lights display into a Taylor Swift themed Christmas Light display. 

*The donut place we stopped at in Gastown had three Swift-themed donuts.

*They turned the cruise ship terminal into an “official” merchandise store. If you’ve never been in a cruise terminal, they’re friggin ginormous. We peeked in – Wife and Daughter wanted to “pre-scout” what might be at the venue – but when we saw the line was probably an hour long, they figured they didn’t need to stand in two hour-long lines.

Most of these minor changes can be explained away as good ol’ capitalism, even if Canada is usually described as a socialist utopia. The pure mass of people at the Capilano bridge had to be worth their paying the licensing fee to pipe in some music. I would estimate 2,000 people were there. At $70 a pop.

I’ll note that the Bay Area didn’t completely shut down or reinvent itself when Taylor Swift played here. So either we’re more socialist than Vancouver or else most of the concert-goers were locals. Both are probably true.

In addition, Vancouver added a few “above and beyond” changes. They put up signs all around town featuring song titles, and also added bracelets to some of their statues.

There were long lines in front of each one, so again, maybe this can be chalked up to encouraging the Swifties to meander around town and spend money.

Check out this subtle change to the Vancouver sign:

I’m all for bringing in tourist dollars (sorry, Tourist Loonies), but don’t go changing your name, people! That would be like New Orleans renaming itself to Mardi Gras in February. 

Oh, and they also changed the hourly tune on the famous Gastown steam clock from the Westminster chimes to “Shake It Off.” 

No biggie, I’m sure they do that regularly. Let’s see, the last time they changed the steam clock chimes was… never. It’s never been done before. This is a city that’s hosted the friggin’ Olympics, but clearly that pales in comparison to a pop star performing a concert.

Needless to say, we spent most of the day traversing the city for all the photo ops. People were dressed to the nines as early as nine a.m, wearing short sparkly dresses with bare legs when it’s going to be a high in the mid-forties. Sorry, it was in Canada, so… seven degrees?

Again, the Parrotheads were all dressed in their Aloha gear throughout the day in Vegas, but all they had planned for the day was drinking by the pool. 

In every line, they shared war stories like my grandpa used to, replacing “Were you Pacific or Europe?” with “Last night’s concert tonight’s?” Then they traded home-made friendship bracelets instead of beers.

The strangest exchange I saw was in line for the Swiftcouver sign. A woman went down the line asking for anyone going to that night’s performance. The first few had gone the night before, but she finally found a group.

She handed them a bracelet and didn’t want anything back. All she wanted was to know that the bracelet would make it to the concert. 

That’s it. She didn’t want to meet up with them the following day to get it back. Didn’t even want confirmation until the ladies who received the bracelet asked for her phone number so they could send a picture of it to her. She blinked, as if that thought hadn’t occurred to her, then happily turned over her digits. 

She was almost tearing up when explaining how important it was to her. I’ve seen Catholics less emotional about rosary beads blessed by the Pope. 

The religious wars of the past will be the Swifties versus, I don’t know, Ariana Grande? Sabrina Carpenter? 

If Tay-Tay is the Catholic Church in this metaphor, my money is on Gracie Abrams as her Martin Luther. She opened for Taylor Swift on this portion of the Eras tour, and evidently she has all the signs of an heir apparent. 

As of right now, she’s still totally into the friendship bracelets. But bear in mind, Martin Luther originally sold indulgences, too.

**Addendum: Don’t want to turn this into one of my usual travelogues, but I did have a few gripes about Google. At the border, they directed me to a faster route. When I got there, I realized it less crowded because it was the Nexus lane, which is kinda like TSA pre-check for people who cross the border often. Since I obviously didn’t have Nexus, I had to turn back around and get in an even longer line than if I’d followed the street signs instead of Google. 

**Addendum Two (1.7 in Imperial Units): My second Google gripe was that as soon as we crossed the border, Google Maps switched to metric. While I understand that Canada is on the metric system, meaning the signs will be in metric. But Google should know that I don’t speak metric, so telling me there’s a right turn coming up in 1.7 kilometers means about as much as saying it’s in twenty-blevin fizzlefarts. My weather app was smart enough to continue giving me the temperature in Fahrenheit and I wasn’t even logged in.

**Addendum (Taylor’s Version): How was the concert? Couldn’t tell you, but Wife and Daughter both thought it was wonderful. I believe them. On something like that, it’s easy to succumb to antici-pointment (when you’re looking forward to something so much that even a good time is seen as disappointing), but they were absolutely ecstatic. I’m sure you can find better reviews of it elsewhere, but Daughter might have just experienced the best night of her life. Not her life so far. Her entire life. Only seventy years of downhill to come. 

**Addendum Four: Forget about the concert, how did my curling match go? This American held his own on an ice sheet full of Canadians. We won the game on our final shot