Just under the (self-imposed) deadline of posting last year’s Camptathalon results within 365 days…
Every year since, I don’t know, ‘Nam, we’ve kept a running log of all the shenanigans, mostly out of context.
I usually begin the retelling with a tongue in cheek “I’m just the scribe, I offer no context or comment.”
This year, that comment is, in fact, accurate. My bout with Covid hit me a week before the annual trip. One of the guys has a granddaughter who is too young for vaccination, so we opted for caution.
The lads, however, took the journal and did their due diligence. But that means, for once, I’m as much in the dark as all of you.
Friday
11:30 Rick arrives, completing the foursome.
11:45 First beer of the day
12:00 Lunch and beer
12:40 Cribbage
12:47 $30 in Dick’s money
12:49 “I lost two beers in the lake.”
1:15 Flag raised, trophy brought out
1:16 “Loser Libation? Oh shit, I can’t play poker.”
1:26 Chris spills his beer
2:19 “Concrete, the most fun you can have with your clothes on.”
2:20 The Champagne of Beers makes an appearance.
2:41 “I don’t like it, but I’ll do it.”
3:15 Garrett uses the word “jalopy” in a sentence
4:05 “That friend of mine who got married in the firehouse.”
“I thought he wasn’t that good a friend.”
“He isn’t.”
4:35 Garrett: “I can’t wait for the butter toss.”
Everyone else: “You’ll learn.”
4:42 “Do you have our squeegee sharpener?”
4:45 Tony did not sanitize his balls. Thanks a lot, asshole.
4:55 “Just close your eyes and enjoy it.”
4:56 Fire has been lit.
5:00 Yeah, I like my liver
5:05 Possible rain between 8:00 and midnight. Time will tell.
5:10 Regarding the Pam & Tommy movie, if you hate blondes with big jugs, don’t watch it.
5:22 “You’re not a cockstar?”
“Not anymore. I’m retired.”
6:11 “What’s better than tossing butter in the rain?”
6:30 “Couldn’t be any worse than who he got pregnant.”
6:40 Event #1: Poker
6:49 Garrett can’t shuffle or deal for shit.
6:50 We got the Rockies game. Nice.
7:08 The Loser Libation is almost in play.
7:14 Fucking Sparky! Goddammit!
7:20 Moonshine time, baby! “Burns the nostrils.”
7:35 Chris calls Rick a fucking dirty whore.
7:37 “Hold on, my ass just un-puckered.”
7:38 Man, the Covidian’s gonna be pissed when he tries to transpose this.
7:39 Transcribe or transpose?
7:45 Cookie Break
7:50 “I’m in halfway, I may as well go ALL IN!”
8:10 Sparky is pissed he can’t get the Angels game on XM Radio
8:14 Garrett “wins” the Loser Libation – coffee liqueur
8:20 No Sparky is a dirty little whore
8:25 WRONG!
8:36 Sparky wins poker, Rick second w/ better hand than Chris
Standings after one event: Sparky 5, Rick 3, Chris 2, Garrett 0
8:54 Garrett looks up the definition of “Wisconsin Lunchbox.”
9:01 Boontling has a lot of words for masturbation
9:08 There are children around. Shut up.
10:00 Another Mervyn’s Mark?
?? Did you take her Solo + the Wookie?
Sarturday
5:30 Sparky arises, makes coffee
6:00 Rick arises
6:10 Coffee liqueur + donuts = Yum
7:30 Chris joins the party
7:50 Garrett makes it a foursome
8:00 Sandwiches for breakfast, a little whiskey in the coffee, HR Derby location finalized
8:02 Chris makes biscuits w/ ham & cheddar
8:22 “I have a Florida Gators jersey.”
“Fucking Tim Tebow. Eat my ass.”
8:23 “People in Florida don’t like Florida.”
9:30 Butter Toss target selected: Picture from an old Playboy Chris “happened to” have.
9:38 Dinner plans. Sparky makes a great tri-tip. I brought mashed potatoes, too, but no gravy. We can all stand around the Playboy and make some gravy.
9:42 First beer of the day opened.
9:56 Can somebody help with a reach around?
10:00 Butter Toss results: Chris 5, Rick 3, Garrett 2, Sparky 0
Standings after two events: Chris 7, Rick 6, Sparky 5, Garrett 2
10:30 Home Run Derby: Chris beats Rick 3-2 in a jack-off
10:33 Sparky beats Chris 6-5 in the finals. Two jack-offs in a row would take some stamina.
10:35 Home Run Derby results: Sparky 5, Chris 3, Rick 2, Garrett 0
Standings after three events: Sparky 10, Chris 10, Rick 8, Garrett 0
11:32 Cornhole
11:53 Results: Rick 5, Sparky 3, Chris 2, Garrett 0
Standings after four events: Sparky 15, Rick 13, Chris 11, Garrett 2
12:36 “Take this how you like, but I have never turned down a sausage.”
12:50 Lunch: Sammiches and Garrett’s wife’s great potato salad
1:10 Thunder. Then hail. Gentle, but a lot of it. Angels at Mariners on XM. All tents have been covered. Wine in my cup. Good thing we got three games in early. No more Angels game.
1:19 “I have never had a conversation with a drunk guy and said ‘You sound like a young Isaac Newton.'”
1:20 More hail
1:25 More thunder
1:30 Light rain
1:40 More thunder, but dry for now
1:55 More hail
2:45 Thunder and steady rain
3:26 Observing a way, way, WAY overloaded pickup truck with camping gear and canoe tied on top.
“They have been parked for quite a while.”
“Someone’s pissed.”
“All I wanted for Father’s Day was to take my family camping and make love in a canoe.”
3:30 Garrett has been in his tent for over an hour at this time.
3:31 “The mood is a little bit wet on the outside.”
3:33 The overloaded truck has started again. Should I stay or should I go?
3:38 Go!
4:10 Rain has (mainly) stopped.
4:48 Event 5: Cards Against Humanity. Plague infested missing members are control group.
5:30 Garrett wins his first event
5:42 Control group finishes in second place. Random placement of cards is funnier than us.
5:43 Sparky finishes (official) second, thus winning Camptathalon 2022. First win since 2013.
Final Standings: Sparky 16, Rick 15, Chris 12, Garrett 7
First time everybody won an event? Maybe?
5:50 Tri-tip on. Tortilla tacos!
6:04 “The best part is the half glass of vodka”
6:11 The pickup truck returns
Draft: Best Sequel (Snake draft: Pick order goes down in round one, up in round two, etc.)
Sparky 1. Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan, 2. Star Trek 6: Undiscovered Country, 3. Pitch Perfect 2, 4. Top Gun: Maverick
Garrett: 1. Anchorman 2, 2. Revenge of the Sith, 3. The Dark Knight, 4. Goldmember
Chris: 1. Godfather 2, 2. Return of the Jedi, 3. For a Few Dollars More, 4. Temple of Doom
Rick: 1. Aliens, Empire Strikes Back, 3. The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly, 4. Superman 2
Draft #2: Disliked Sports Teams
Rick: 1. Boston Celtics, 2. Dallas Cowboys, 3. St. Louis Cardinals, 4. BYU
Chris: 1. Pittsburgh Steelers, 2. Denver Broncos, 3. San Diego Chargers, 4. L.A. Dodgers
Garrett: 1. S.F. Giants, 2. San Jose Sharks, 3. Cleveland Browns, 4. Seattle Kraken
Sparky: 1. Boston Red Sox, 2. N.Y. Yankees, 3. Houston Astros, 4. Nebraska Cornhuskers
Draft #3: Favorite Bands
Garrett: 1. Tool, 2. AC/DC, 3. Korn, 4. System of a Down
Chris: 1. Metallica, 2. Perfect Circle, 3. Van Halen, 4. Duran Duran
Rick: 1. Van Hagar, 2. Motley Crue, 3. Hall & Oates, 4. Charlie Daniels
Sparky: 1. Counting Crows, 2. Airborne Toxic Event, 3. O.A.R. 4. Led Zeppelin
Draft #4: Most Hated/Overrated Bands
Sparky: 1. Pink Floyd, 2. Grateful Dead, 3. Michael Jackson 4. Police
Rick: 1. Red Hot Chili Peppers, 2. U2, 3. Madonna, 4. Eagles
Chris: 1. Beatles, 2. Nirvana, 3. KISS, 4. Milli Vanilli
Garrett: 1. Taylor Swift, 2. Nine Ince Nails, 3. Primus, 4. Mylie Cyrus
Draft #5: Favorite Albums
Chris: 1. Master of Puppets, 2. 1984, 3. And Justice For All, 4. Parabola
Garrett: 1. Undertow, 2. Follow the Leader, 3. Hybrid Theory, 4. Mesmerize
Rick: 1. 5150, 2. Hysteria, 3. Back in Black, 4. License to Ill
Sparky: 1. Recovering the Satellites, 2. 10, 3. Yourself or Someone Like You, 4. Appetite for Destruction
The Writing Wombat 